Guest writer Dr Sarah Alsawy-Davies, Global Award-Winning Psychologist, reveals the one decision business leaders make that can determine the success in business and in life – even Warren Buffett agrees.

I sincerely wished business owners and entrepreneurs knew what I am about to share – it would either stopped you losing a lot of money or made you a tonne more that you weren’t even aware of was available for you.

After working with over 300 people across 18 years in clinical practice, I am willing to risk my entire reputation and say that the success of your business is ultimately defined by the health of your relationship. I know this to be true based on my professional expertise as an Expert Relationship Psychologist coupled with my personal experiences of running 2 businesses while being married.

Your business success is not had by having a partner who “who understands your work, the stresses, your unavailability” and will “look after the kids, pick up your socks, make dinner every night, and book weekends away”.

In fact, if you are using these reasons to rationalise your choice in partner whilst also trying to make your business succeed, I can almost guarantee you are shooting yourself in the foot – both personally and professionally.

The reason your business success is governed by your choice in partner lies in your subconscious processes.

What you might not know is that 95% of your actions – including business decisions, your choice in partner, how you interact with your spouse, and even the way you speak – are subconsciously driven. That means that you are only conscious of 5% of your life.

The way in which your subconscious mind is programmed is therefore crucial to understand, because the more aware you become of how you are wired, the more conscious you become of your choices – both in business and personal life.

So why is who you marry so important for your business?

1. Your relationship experiences will shape the programming of your subconscious mind. This in turn will create deep-rooted belief systems around how capable you are professionally, including: what you are worthy of having (financially); how you will be judged (and criticised); how you should behave to be accepted; and if success is possible for you. Here are where invisible limiting beliefs are conceived.
2. The health of your relationship will determine your psychological safety. If you have ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, at a fundamental level humans need to feel psychologically safe. If we do not have this, we cannot thrive and become our best self. Attempting to build a successful business from a place of psychological insecurity is like building a house on quicksand. You’re going to put in a lot of effort with zero return.

I frequently work with clients who have built 7-, 8- or 9- figure businesses and they all ask me this one question: What do I do now?

My response is first, it’s important to understand where you are at now. Often, they have fallen into one of two camps:

Camp 1: They have attained financial success, but when they look around, they realise they have become more detached from their partner. They are no longer married but they operate like housemates. Their children may have left the nest, and they’re not sure “what it was all for” as they feel lonely. They do not know what to do and avoid feeling the dark abyss at home. They feel shame and don’t want to face the possibility of the relationship ending.

Camp 2: They continue working incredibly hard, believing that “if I just do this one thing, hit this next target, get this one deal then everything will be good – my spouse will be happy, I’ll bring in more money, we can have nice things”. It’s almost like they delude themselves into thinking this will make their partner fall in love with them again and they will live in that castle in the sky. Invariably it does not work.

Whichever camp you fall into, the most important thing is to become aware of your patterns. Like I mentioned previously, your subconscious mind is running the show and if you do not wake up to this, you’ll continue to sleep through life.

To start breaking negative cycles and start enforcing positive ones, it is vital you consider the health of your relationship. This is frequently one of the most daunting tasks I’ll give clients, but it is the most powerful. Ask yourself:

1. How do I feel about my partner? Be honest, no filter.
2. What are you most scared of sharing with your partner? Notice other emotions that come up – is it shame, guilt, fear? If so, these will be preventing you from having a space of psychological safety.
3. How do I believe my partner sees me? Remember – this is not necessarily the truth of how they see you, but it is your perception of what you believe they see.
4. How have I contributed to challenges in this relationship? I am certain that everyone has a response to this. You have created challenges by either ‘doing’ something or by ‘not doing’ something. It may not have been malicious, and you may have acted in the hope of avoiding conflict, but consider this: what have I done that has created problems long-term?