Guest author Dr Sarah Alsawy-Davies, Global Award-Winning Expert Clinical Psychologist, writes for The Executive Magazine
Mindset is everything. Any successful business owner will tell you that the key for a thriving business is having the right mindset. This is the difference between managing the ‘struggle’ and ‘optimising to Olympic level’.
Here’s the problem.
As an Expert Clinical Psychologist and owner of 2 prosperous businesses, I see many business owners talking about mindset in the wrong way, preaching either:
- You must control your emotions.
- You must always think positive.
These sentiments might appear nice on paper, but they are inherently flawed. This is why:
Control your emotions – done very badly
People have not learned the healthy way of taking charge of their emotions. Emotional regulation and mental management are not taught in schools. And the life of hard knocks teaches “controlling your emotions” via suppressing or resisting emotions.
These methods of emotional responses are extremely damaging both from a mental and a physiological perspective.
From a mental perspective, if you are always “controlling your emotions” in this way, your emotions never actually dissipate. In fact, your emotions increase intensity while hiding under the surface. It’s like a pan boiling and you exert pressure on the lid with as much force as you can, whilst covering the air hole. Guess what happens? You get burnt, just in the same way of ‘over controlling your emotions’.
From a physiological standpoint, unhealthy emotional control leads to chronic elevated stress-induced hormones cortisol and adrenaline. In the short-term, these hormones can be helpful in giving you energy. However, long-term experience can lead to a variety of health problems including high blood pressure, weight gain, sleep disorders, heart disease, diabetes, anxiety, depression, and difficulty concentrating. None are great for business owners.
Toxic positivity
I’m all for making lemonade out of lemons and the power of positive energy. However, mainstream has confused being proactive with what you have vs. you must always think positive, irrespective of reality.
The truth is that reality can sometimes be painful, and to deny yourself your reality is scientifically evidenced to increase your experiences of your pain, i.e. the pain lasts longer.
So how do we optimise our emotional fitness?
If you ask me, babies are born able to feel far before they are able to think. Therefore, humans are inherently emotional creatures and need to perfect the skill of optimising your emotional fitness.
We are born with the ability to feel because it has an evolutionary purpose, to inform us what we need more of and what to avoid in life. Emotions govern behaviours and so it is imperative that we understand and process emotions in ways that are healthy for us – otherwise, all that is left is a dysfunctional person trying to “adult” but not getting very far.
With this in mind, let’s aim for becoming emotionally fit, as opposed to staying in the emotional ugly.
3 Steps to emotional fitness
Step 1: Awareness.
The first necessary stage to any transformation is awareness, for if you are not aware how could you possibly change?
It’s crucial to understand what you need to be aware of. Essentially, you need to become aware of:
- Your emotional state. Label your emotion and use the emotional wheel to guide you [Figure 1]
- Physical sensations you experience with this emotion. Notice your heart rate, your breathing pattern, your chest collapsing, your arms tingling, your head pulsating.
- The situation you are facing. Describe this in as much detail as possible. What was happening around you? Who was involved? Pay attention to sensory information: How loud, bright, crowded was it?
Step 2: Take responsibility for your triggers
Have you ever thought about why 2 people may face the same situation but react very differently?
It’s because the situation is not the trigger. The trigger is the belief system that lives inside of you which awakes in response to the situation.
This highlights the necessity of knowing the filter in which you tend to interpret challenging situations. Ask yourself the following questions to both identify your trigger and begin to shift these belief systems. Examples are also given to guide you.
- What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Example: “Situation: I couldn’t convert a sale. Story: I’m not doing enough, no one likes what I have to offer, I’m not going to meet targets, what if I can’t pay my overheads”
- Do I know with 100% certainty that this story is true? Yes / No
Example: No, maybe 60% certainty.
- What would a more accurate interpretation be?
Example: That specific client said no for now, it was not the right fit for either of us, and other clients may want and need my service. - Now to ground the new interpretation: What mantra can I tell myself to solidify this message?
Example: My services are only for the right clients.
Step 3: Self-Connection
Invariably, how good we feel is correlated with how self-connected we are. Having a positive relationship with yourself is the ultimate goal. This is reflected in the way you speak to and treat yourself. Ask yourself:
- What do I need and how can I receive this?
Example: I need to be understood, and I’ll start by understanding myself and seek others who are understanding. - How can I treat myself with more compassion?
Example: Reminding myself I do my best every day.
- How can I respect myself?
Example: Recognising and executing personal and professional boundaries, allowing the right people in.